Better Birthdays

So tired of those. No, she wouldn’t suffer through another one.
And then the stupid e-mail from the dentist with his Happy Birthday message. Is that why people do Facebook? To get more well wishes?

She has just had it. Not like last year and all these years before.
Curled up in bed avoiding the telephone that never rings, no one to bring flowers and then mother calling in the evening to remind her: „Cathy, I hope, you didn‘t think I’d forgot“. Her sorrowful voice. As long as she can remember: pain, sadness and feeling sorry for herself. Why wouldn’t she let her forget? So tired of all that.

She was only nine.
Holding Neto wrapped in a towel with pink and blue stripes, she still felt his limp small body burning into her palms.
Even now.
Dad had stopped raging and left to get drunk.
They met in the backyard to bury the kitten. Lili’s hands so steady guiding the spade. And she so scared, knees shaking, hands trembling: „Please God, don’t let me catch another glimpse of Neto, please don’t let the towel slip.“

Lili never looked back.

It was a lifetime ago. 59, almost 60. High time to do something different. Balloons would be so wonderful.

No one has ever given me balloons for my birthday.

Arleen planted the seed the other day. She said it felt good to buy flowers for herself.

And I might just do it.

Setting a $20-dollar-bill aside in the evening will help, since she does tend to lose courage in the morning. Placing it on the mail table, next to the grocery coupons, right with the keys next to the entrance door.

She wakes up on Tuesday morning before the alarm rings and feels like staying in bed, calling in sick to work and spending her birthday as she did last year. Ignoring it. Sleeping it off.

Please, just let me forget.

But bright yellow dots of sunlight flickering through the branches of the willow just outside the window had slipped into her consciousness even before the alarm rang. Sun specks on the yellow wall to the side of her bed, dancing, appearing, disappearing, teasing her eyelids open.

My birthday. 59. I open my eyes, pull my lips up into a smile, half-smile they call it, tell myself yes and put first my left foot and then the right one firmly on the ground.

Work is uneventful. No one knows about her birthday. It has always been that way.  She spends the lunch hour in the break room eating a sandwich she brought from home, peanut butter and cherry jam, busying herself with the New York Times cross word puzzle.

Getting off work she has to drive into the other direction. The grocery store with the nice flower and balloon department is the opposite way from her usual route home.
Entering the store she feels like walking right up against a gate welling up inside her chest.

“What a foolish idea? Wasting your money on balloons? You don’t even believe for a minute that a ridiculous balloon will make you happy? A balloon that you buy.
For yourself?”

I’m going to buy balloons for my birthday. I will get them now. I will enjoy them this evening at home. They will last for a few days. They will make me happy every time I look at them.

Approaching the balloon section nice yellow peaches beckon just to the left in the produce section. They are on sale. What a great dessert!

You are here for the balloons, Cathy! You can do this!

It is hard.

Get the peaches later, make a right towards the aisle with the milk products, turn around, put one foot in front of the next, and you are right in front of the balloon display.

Get well balloons, It’s a girl/ It’s a boy balloons, balloons in the shape of baseballs, basket balls and soccer balls. The large helium balloons are advertised for $7.99 and look so beautiful. In the birthday balloon row up against the wall a yellow circle with a smile face stands out, and she is very attracted to a big balloon with white daisy flowers on bright green stems. The daisies pop out of a dazzling blue sky that blinks with white fluffy happy birthday letter clouds.

“Can I help you with something?”
“I’m not quite sure yet. I’m looking for a birthday balloon.”
“Well, you came to the right place, we have quite a selection. Have you seen our animal balloons over there? We just got the zebras and dolphins in.”

“One moment please, I will be back. I forgot something in my car.” 

She runs outside, takes a deep breath, walks towards the car, then stops stomping her foot, squeezing her hands into fists.

Just breathe, and turn around.

She turns around, walks back slowly breathing in through her nose, pushing out her belly while inhaling, holding her breath for a few seconds, then pushing all the air out through the mouth.

“Hi, I’m back. I will get the blue balloon with the daisy flowers and the white rabbit over there!”

“Excellent choices! Would you like a few regular balloons to tie them into a full bouquet?”
“Sure. Why don’t you add two white ones and two yellow ones to match the daisy.”
The sales clerk smiled. “It will be just perfect!”

When she sits down for dinner that night, she watches the balloons float gently back and forth in front of the kitchen window cracked just wide enough to let in a breeze. They are loosely tied to the chair right across. The early evening sun bathes the blue daisy balloon in a soft glow and the white rabbit emanates rays of light. She marvels at the shiny plate with two yellow peaches completing the picture. Dessert is waiting for her!

The phone rings. It’s the old home number.
She does not pick up.